How to Avoid Q & A (Quarrels & Arguments)

How to Avoid Q & A (Quarrels & Arguments)

Dear boys,

Yesterday, you both started an argument, when 弟弟 wanted to concentrate on his Math assessment and he needed the 哥哥 volume down his music in his earphones, while in the study room.

I didn’t came to know what happened, I found your mum talking to the both of you sternly, the air in the room tensed with accusations and simmering anger.

So I thought of sharing my best tried and tested number one method of winning at Q&A (Quarrels & Arguments)…

DON’T START ONE.

Well, easier said than done, I agree, like many things in life, it’s the execution, actions and behavior that matters more than rhetoric. Until you both mature to better understand the nuances and tensions that runs in life, I’ll have to talk the walk, while you both learn to walk to talk as you grow.

Gold Coast Sea World 2018

Don’t Start One

Many times in life, you’ll walk into a situation you didn’t plan to walk into, and suddenly you find yourself difficult to walk out of it.

Sometimes we are ‘caught’ with a perspective and because of the ensuing conversations and exchanges of idea, you unwittingly felt attacked or felt a need to defend your view. Sometimes such a conversation build up over time and the tension stacks on one differences after another, and it can spontaneously combust into an all out argument, which gets everyone pissed off.

Don’t start one requires you to be very sensitive to the trigger points which leads to exposing a person’s insecurities. Avoid those trigger points, avoid people’s insecurities. Many times we felt a need to ‘help’ others with their insecurities, DON’T. Their insecurities are there long before you get to know them and will be there still, long after the world is dead and gone. If there’s anything, anyone can do about a person’s insecurities, it is the owner of that specific insecurities. You deal with your own demons, and they deal with theirs.

Fix You

Of course you’ll get people trying fix you, thinking that they can help you with your insecurities, and they can’t, since the road to hell is paved with good intentions, learn to look out for pseudo-Samaritans who wants to help you exorcise your demons so that they can avoid facing theirs. The world is full of such people. When you meet one of these many goody-two-shoes…

WALK AWAY

Thank them and walk away, there is nothing for them to fix, and I’ve come to a point in life which I learned to deal with my own s**t. There is usually not many people in this world who can help you the way you can help yourself. Sometimes all these helping can lead to frustrations which leads to Q & A.

They can never see your point of view the way you do, and sometimes words fail you when you try your best to explain and you don’t succeed. Those who are truly able to help you, will sit with you, leave you alone, or listen to you with no judgments.

Don’t make me cry.

Q & A between brothers

You both are going to get into a lot of Q&A in future, for sure. In fact, the both of you are testing grounds to thrash out opinions and perspectives. There will be opinions which both of you argue to stalemate, or simply cannot agreed upon. So what to do?

Always remember, the both of you are brothers, and long after your parents are dead, it will be the both of you, back to back, against the world. While you both can argue, you both must lean on each other, and never let anything, anyone tear you both apart.

Let’s go, Let it go

Nothing in this world is worth the bond you both have as brothers. Never let an argument break that brotherhood. It’s really not worth it. Like your argument over 哥哥’s noisy music with 弟弟 studying, if you let that simmer and fester, the ill will unresolved will eat into the good you both have build and years after this innocuous incident, you’ll both drift apart not know what happened. Just think about it, is it worth it? Arguing and keeping scores over a small tiff?

There’s a Chinese saying which will be helpful here:

忍一时风平浪静 退一步海阔天空

Forbearance in the short term, helps you see ease in the wave, forbearance in life helps you see the entire ocean of calm. In short, back off, each belligerent take step back, give some space.

I’m not asking you both to endure the s**t you throw at each other, that would be lip service, but as you grow in life, you’ll know what to bear with, what to give in and what you both can argue about and comes to a good outcome.

Q&A solution to a Q&A problem

Photo by Brett Jordan from Pexels

The best way to get out of a Q&A is Q&A, Quit (arguing) & Apologize.

Between brothers, it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong, who started it, who escalated it. Between you both, deconflict by saying ‘sorry’, give in and give way, then the healing can start. Sometimes there is no resolution that you can achieve even after a heat argument, once either one cooled down, please apologize first. Never let small puny differences put a wedge in between your brotherhood, if that happens, you both will swallowed by the waves and drown in the ocean.

Brothers Forever

Your Dad’s Bicycle Buddy

Your Dad’s Bicycle Buddy

Dear Boys,

Almost a year ago, you dad when on a cycling trip with Uncle Andy, and we visited Sentosa, which was a place Andy wanted to visit on a bike for a while. It was our first time cycling together, but it turned out to be a friendship sustained through the pedal.

Our first trip. Sept 2020

Since then, we ended up doing a lot of fun things, and achieving a lot of personal firsts in our cycling journey.

Lamp Post 1

We did a night cycling together in our quest to pedal to the famed Lampost One. That was quite a night as we bumped into another cyclist and in a jest he, Mahen decided to join us on our quest to Lamp Post 1. We all made it! It certainly helped as buddying up allows us to lean on each other when we are tired and we can help each other look out for dangers or blindspot.

Our LP1 RTI March 2021

Perfect Buddy

There is nothing in life that is as perfect as this bond Andy and I had, over time, we have build up that silent chemistry on the road that allows us to trust each other unreservedly. Usually I’ll cycle ahead and he’ll cover my back. While he is on a foldie, he certainly can cycle a heck faster than my MTB. Nonetheless, we have never split because one is faster that the other and his foldie also allows him to have the advantage of getting onto the MRT when he tires himself out on the road, but he has never done so and on every road trip, we all start and finish together.

Recently, we have to abort our ‘University Route’ (More about that in a later post), because we met with inclement weather, we reached NUS and there is an option for him to take the MRT at Kent Ridge home and me on my MTB will have to go home in the rain, which was fine. He decided to stick with me and we both pedaled hiome, from rain to no rain.

At Clementi

Good Camaraderie

When we ride, there’s usually little conversation, we don’t cycle side by side, as most of the time we are on pavements, which don’t gives us the luxury of space to do so, more importantly we enjoy the cycling together and in our own personal space. It is the freedom we get at the same time having a buddy to look out for if there is trouble.

We are also respectful of each other’s safety and never take more than necessary risks. For me on my MTB, I will always make sure I look for pavements and even when there is a chance for me to take the dirt for a short route, my bike would certainly be more than capable to eat dirt, but I’d stick to pavement because I know Andy’s bike will not be able to take off road.

He on the other hand helps me watch our for my blind spot and cover the back, sometimes I might miss a car coming up and he’d sound a warning.

While cycling is a physical activity, we have never pushed each other to outdo each other, there is no bragging or bravado between us, we just enjoy cycling and pairing up helps us get to places where we would otherwise will not make it alone. We also never try to outdo each other with our equipment or show who has the better bling bling on our bike.

Our Own Safe Space

I guess the reason why we bonded so well is because I feel that this is our escapade, he’s a dad of four; me, two, and we have our challenges being a dad, and a husband, being on the road helps us find our own man-cave to chill. At the same time, we give our spouse the assurance that we can look out for each other.

It’s also great that while we do share our challenges in parenting, we never dispense advise to each other. I have never told him what he ‘should’ do, neither has he ever told me what I ‘could’ do. We have problems we need to deal with and while we do share some of those problems, we never offer solutions nor ask for answers. There’s just an unspoken rule between us that we will respect our own space, problems and never dispense life stories. We just put our problems aside and ride, and enjoying it.

Food!
Our second trip to Sentosa

Good Memories

It’s a good shared experience because the roads we take with each other adds context when we had some conversations a some specific spot on the journey. It helps build a very unique memories I hold and treasure knowing that the moment was share with a buddy I trust and respect.

Onwards with more good times on the road!

Wayne’s weird question

Dear Wayne,

One evening for dinner, you asked us “Why is kor kor first and I’m second?”

Wow, the question seems so ‘duh’ yet we are kind of stumped as to finding the right answer.

You see life isn’t really about queuing up, it is more like it happened first, that’s why it is first! Time is linear, yet somewhat random. If you happen to come first, which in reality you never will, you will be the kor kor and you will be subjected to a different set of experiences compare to your time now as a di di.

Perhaps to put this in perspective, you didn’t come second, you came at your own time, your elder brother came at his own time as well. There is a timing which will take time to happen, in a sweeping statement, life’s like that!

Posted July 10, 2015