Be a brother, not a parent



Dear Ian,

Be a brother to your brother and leave the parenting to us.

As you are now growing up, and being the elder brother, you will invariably boss your little 弟弟 around. It’s quite natural, since he is the younger, naughtier , more irritating one. You being the older one has a larger responsibility of taking care of him, helping him and chaperoning him. That is fine, until you start to do our job.

Don’t parent him.

Leave that to us, we are the parents to both of you, we are your judge, jury and executioner. Not you, not your 弟弟. He may get on your nerve many times, but don’t take matters into your own hands and scold him the way we do.

You are his peer, his brother, leave the scolding to us.

Wayne looks up to you

Truth to be told, your little brother looks up to you, he doesn’t says it out, but we all look up to out elder siblings. So you need to be a brother to him, so that you can continue to bond with him. Be the elder brother he can learn and emulate from.

While we as your parents are guilty of passing some bad parenting tips to you, that you are doing to your brother, right now I’m telling you, consciously, stop. Enjoy your brotherhood with him. Bond with him, sometimes even cover for his mistakes. I know saying that will cause some resentment, but that’s what elder siblings do.

Your mum, the elder sister.

Your mum covered for her younger brother as well. They were both playing on their mother’s bed and the little brother, jumping on the bed, broke it. They were terrified of course, and tried to pushed the broken bed frame back, and make it looked as if it wasn’t. It was a crack and any more weight on it will fracture it again.

So your mum, orchestrated with her little brother to make it look as if she broke it. When her mother was in, the sister purposely sat on the broken part, and sure enough, it crack, and your mum made a dramatic effect, pretending to be shocked that the bed broke under her weight. Her mum, was shocked but thought nothing about it, since the bed was already quite old. and it is a matter of time. She never knew the bed was broken by her son, and her eldest daughter covered for the younger boy.

These are the things siblings does for each other.

Back against each other

I’ve told the both of you many times, after both your parents are long dead and gone, it will be the both you, back against each other, facing the big bad world. That is really all there is, we are not a big family, right now you have your parents to back you both up, you mum, she has her parents. Me? I’m pretty much on my own, my only source of backup is your mum, my wife. Yes, I have my parents, and my elder brother, but they are an whole bunch of sordid stories on their own.

So whatever the problems, you boys must be able to talk to each other, help each other, lookout for each other, cover for each other. That must be unconditionally done. Always find a way to talk it out, no matter the differences. Sure next time, perhaps the both of you will be married, start your own family, have wives to confide to, like how I confide to your mum, as my wife. But when it comes to brotherhood, that is another whole different level of your life.

Bearing witness.

Ian, you are a good 3.5 years older, and you have seen your baby brother grow up, held him, and in the hospital’s nursery, remarked that your 弟弟 is the smallest baby! You have held him, protect him, cajoled him. Continue to do that, and he will have to rely on you for these memories, you need to provide that reference for him. You have also experience more things in life, last year, we went to Perth and Star Cruises was because you have been on these trips, but your 弟弟 hadn’t. He wanted to do those things you have done in the photographs, when he wasn’t around yet. He will always be your little 弟弟.

You both will have to bear witness to a lot of other things, unique to both of you. we as your parents, can never be a sibling to the both of you. You both goes to school together, and faced the tough school environment together. We are not there, we cannot protect you both, so there is only the both of you, and we trust that you both can look out for each other.

So learn to live with each other, warts and all, this is what brothers is about, it is not about who is the boss.

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